can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
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your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
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I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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