I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize