So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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