Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
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i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
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You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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