walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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