So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
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You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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