the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
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you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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