Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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