I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I FOUND THE LEGS
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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