my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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