You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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