I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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