Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
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buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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