Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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