He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
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She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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