remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
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I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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