He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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