i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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