Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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