Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
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i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
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I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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