My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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