Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I want a musical about memes.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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