dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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