it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
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Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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