if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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