Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
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Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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