Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize