I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
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My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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