he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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