Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
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I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize