I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize