My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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