I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
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Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
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A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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