Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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