Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
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Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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