Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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