I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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