Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
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Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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