I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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