The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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