she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
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Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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