He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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