I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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