she woke up with a sticky ear
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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