Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize