One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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