Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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