When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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