Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
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I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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