Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
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there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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